I highly recommend two books for helping to understand “subtle” abuse better:
1. “Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft
2. “How He Gets Into Her Head” by Don Hennessy
The 1 in 3 women are abused number is terrible! Those are the numbers that report physical abuse. When we factor in that around 40 percent of women do not ever report their physical abuse, it just becomes even more horrific. And then when financial, emotional, psychological, spiritual and sexual abuse are factored in, it just becomes mind blowing. Most women are abused at some point in their lives. 😢😢
Thank you again for your comments, I truly appreciate it.
Lundy Bancroft's book was the first one I read after I'd exited an abusive marriage. It was totally eye-opening, and helped me to understand what had happened in my life. This was immensely valuable since that freshly-exited stage is steeped in confusion. There are so many questions at that stage. Bancroft's book empowered and educated me.
Actually I had noticed you recommend Hennessy's book on a post to another article somewhere, and it's currently on my to-read list.
In the future I also want to come up with a "top 5" books for those who've experienced coercive control / domestic abuse / intimate partner violence (the plethora of names we have for this thing).
Yes, 1 in 3, and then so much goes unreported. So then does it go to 1 in 2? Or just everyone, in some way, shape or form, in the span of her life?
Thank you again for your engagement. This is a new thing for me to try, and I'm really grateful to connect with readers.
I'm still in close contact with Rosalita. Lately I'm contemplating, wanting to figure out -- how do you tell someone they are in danger? How do you tell a friend you love that their husband is not who they think? Is there a G-dang checklist for this shit? Big eye roll! Sick and tired of the sickos who make women sick and tired.
All you can do is keep opening the door. Meaning, showing her that you “know” and you will be there when she is ready. My therapist told me that sometimes, someone can have the door opened for them 20 times or more before stepping through it. This was me…. He had two arrests, I filed for divorce FOUR times before following through with it due to coercive control (that was NOT on the DV list at the time) all you can do is keep showing up for her. You cannot make her leave. She will hopefully leave, but she’ll do it when she feels it is safe. Sadly, that’s the least safe time for us and we need all the support we can get.
If you felt comfortable, I'd love to hear your story about the attempts to leave. You could either write to me, or we could chat on phone/ zoom. I'd love to provide space for readers to share their experiences, we can all learn from one another. It's also cathartic to express your story. Of course, no pressure nor obligation.
You are more than welcome. I wish to whomever anyone wants to wish to, that when I started my journey to finally, REALLY, get away, that someone had shared even a glimmer of what I am willing to share. I truly believe my life would be very different today if I had even ONE person sharing with me. So, yes. Absolutely, I will share my story. It’s hard. It’s heartbreaking. It cost me the children from my marriage. It cost me so much more and that is BEFORE we even get into $$$. Please message me (lmk if I’m not allowing messages. I’m quite tech inept 🙄) and let’s chat. It’s about time I spoke up properly. If I can help just ONE person, it will be worth it. I’ll share everything I went through, lost, saw. That I now do for my own health and safety. Everything. We need to speak up. My life would be so different now if people had just spoken up! 💜
thank you so much for your reply. this is a great reminder. statistically speaking, I believe the figure is that it usually takes a woman 7 attempts at leaving the abuser. 7 times. because of the cyclical nature of abuse, the gaslighting, the promises that get believed and broken
No, that’s a big red flag. He’s trying to put you down the way he knows how - to be perceived as weak. He said that because he’s trying to manipulate you into something you didn’t want to do, and he knows it. We are not overreacting or being sensitive. It’s time we called out behavior like that as NOT OK. I stand with you on that analysis.
Yes! That is also a classic goading -- "you need to loosen up."
And if it's phrased as "you should loosen up" it can even sound like an encouragement to relax, which can even sound encouraging / friendly / caring. Like, "you've been working too hard, you should loosen up."
If only there were some device I could put over my ears, so that when I heard phrases that were red flags, it would be translated into a more accurate statement.
"I don't respect you"
"I just want you to get drunk"
"You should do what I say"
Red flags from here to eternity is right. From the research I've read, DV offenders (of which I presume this guy would turn out to be, or, as other women with longer time exposures have learned he is) really can't be rehabilitated.
Thank you for the analysis of that comment. It is a very useful and pragmatic breakdown of all that is abusive about that statement. As a young woman, I have felt uncomfortable many times by such comments, enough to confusedly laugh it off, and then walk away. I only knew then in my gut that he did not make me feel safe, but I could not intellectualise what was truly off about that comment. However, your breakdown of that comment put into words what my body sensed and propelled to safety. I have experienced many times, that the body knows even if the mind is unable to put a finger on it. I would much appreciate it if you would do more such analyses..
I am *SO, SO* happy to read this comment. Because it shows that this article helped someone. And with this knowledge, how to apply analysis to comments that your gut flagged as problematic, I think you may be prepared to evade bad actors.
I learned about red flags in the rearview mirror, in retrospect, only once the abuser had become ingratiated into my life and harmed me. I'd love it for this knowledge to help you to prevent abusers from getting close to you.
And women encounter abusers at every stage of life, from youth to old age. I know women in their 60's who are in abusive relationships. The abuser never 'ages out' of their behavior.
So if you can learn how to spot the red flags early on, this knowledge can serve you for a long time.
I will absolutely do more such analysis pieces. If you'd like to provide some comments you've heard that raised an eyebrow, I can (try to) analyze those. Or even situations where something with a guy felt off kilter.
It's really important for women to talk to each other about these things. The abuser wants to isolate you and dominate you. By staying connected to other support sources, people who can help point out flags, there's a higher probability of staying safe.
Wait, how is it - per se - abusive for Rosalita's guy to want a beer brought to him at a certain point in his day? Is it not conceivable that he supports her and caters to her idiosyncratic desires in corollary moments?
Thank you for writing about this!
I highly recommend two books for helping to understand “subtle” abuse better:
1. “Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft
2. “How He Gets Into Her Head” by Don Hennessy
The 1 in 3 women are abused number is terrible! Those are the numbers that report physical abuse. When we factor in that around 40 percent of women do not ever report their physical abuse, it just becomes even more horrific. And then when financial, emotional, psychological, spiritual and sexual abuse are factored in, it just becomes mind blowing. Most women are abused at some point in their lives. 😢😢
Dear Chera,
Thank you again for your comments, I truly appreciate it.
Lundy Bancroft's book was the first one I read after I'd exited an abusive marriage. It was totally eye-opening, and helped me to understand what had happened in my life. This was immensely valuable since that freshly-exited stage is steeped in confusion. There are so many questions at that stage. Bancroft's book empowered and educated me.
Actually I had noticed you recommend Hennessy's book on a post to another article somewhere, and it's currently on my to-read list.
In the future I also want to come up with a "top 5" books for those who've experienced coercive control / domestic abuse / intimate partner violence (the plethora of names we have for this thing).
Yes, 1 in 3, and then so much goes unreported. So then does it go to 1 in 2? Or just everyone, in some way, shape or form, in the span of her life?
Thank you again for your engagement. This is a new thing for me to try, and I'm really grateful to connect with readers.
I'm still in close contact with Rosalita. Lately I'm contemplating, wanting to figure out -- how do you tell someone they are in danger? How do you tell a friend you love that their husband is not who they think? Is there a G-dang checklist for this shit? Big eye roll! Sick and tired of the sickos who make women sick and tired.
All you can do is keep opening the door. Meaning, showing her that you “know” and you will be there when she is ready. My therapist told me that sometimes, someone can have the door opened for them 20 times or more before stepping through it. This was me…. He had two arrests, I filed for divorce FOUR times before following through with it due to coercive control (that was NOT on the DV list at the time) all you can do is keep showing up for her. You cannot make her leave. She will hopefully leave, but she’ll do it when she feels it is safe. Sadly, that’s the least safe time for us and we need all the support we can get.
If you felt comfortable, I'd love to hear your story about the attempts to leave. You could either write to me, or we could chat on phone/ zoom. I'd love to provide space for readers to share their experiences, we can all learn from one another. It's also cathartic to express your story. Of course, no pressure nor obligation.
You are more than welcome. I wish to whomever anyone wants to wish to, that when I started my journey to finally, REALLY, get away, that someone had shared even a glimmer of what I am willing to share. I truly believe my life would be very different today if I had even ONE person sharing with me. So, yes. Absolutely, I will share my story. It’s hard. It’s heartbreaking. It cost me the children from my marriage. It cost me so much more and that is BEFORE we even get into $$$. Please message me (lmk if I’m not allowing messages. I’m quite tech inept 🙄) and let’s chat. It’s about time I spoke up properly. If I can help just ONE person, it will be worth it. I’ll share everything I went through, lost, saw. That I now do for my own health and safety. Everything. We need to speak up. My life would be so different now if people had just spoken up! 💜
thank you so much for your reply. this is a great reminder. statistically speaking, I believe the figure is that it usually takes a woman 7 attempts at leaving the abuser. 7 times. because of the cyclical nature of abuse, the gaslighting, the promises that get believed and broken
No, that’s a big red flag. He’s trying to put you down the way he knows how - to be perceived as weak. He said that because he’s trying to manipulate you into something you didn’t want to do, and he knows it. We are not overreacting or being sensitive. It’s time we called out behavior like that as NOT OK. I stand with you on that analysis.
thank goodness I block the damn fool
That guy with the drink? After a second no, he’s likely to haul out the evergreen “you need to loosen up” or “I guess you have trust issues”.
Red flags from here to eternity.
Continuing to ignore him will send him scurrying off, muttering about lesbians.
Yes! That is also a classic goading -- "you need to loosen up."
And if it's phrased as "you should loosen up" it can even sound like an encouragement to relax, which can even sound encouraging / friendly / caring. Like, "you've been working too hard, you should loosen up."
If only there were some device I could put over my ears, so that when I heard phrases that were red flags, it would be translated into a more accurate statement.
"I don't respect you"
"I just want you to get drunk"
"You should do what I say"
Red flags from here to eternity is right. From the research I've read, DV offenders (of which I presume this guy would turn out to be, or, as other women with longer time exposures have learned he is) really can't be rehabilitated.
Thank you for the analysis of that comment. It is a very useful and pragmatic breakdown of all that is abusive about that statement. As a young woman, I have felt uncomfortable many times by such comments, enough to confusedly laugh it off, and then walk away. I only knew then in my gut that he did not make me feel safe, but I could not intellectualise what was truly off about that comment. However, your breakdown of that comment put into words what my body sensed and propelled to safety. I have experienced many times, that the body knows even if the mind is unable to put a finger on it. I would much appreciate it if you would do more such analyses..
Dear Rachel,
I am *SO, SO* happy to read this comment. Because it shows that this article helped someone. And with this knowledge, how to apply analysis to comments that your gut flagged as problematic, I think you may be prepared to evade bad actors.
I learned about red flags in the rearview mirror, in retrospect, only once the abuser had become ingratiated into my life and harmed me. I'd love it for this knowledge to help you to prevent abusers from getting close to you.
And women encounter abusers at every stage of life, from youth to old age. I know women in their 60's who are in abusive relationships. The abuser never 'ages out' of their behavior.
So if you can learn how to spot the red flags early on, this knowledge can serve you for a long time.
I will absolutely do more such analysis pieces. If you'd like to provide some comments you've heard that raised an eyebrow, I can (try to) analyze those. Or even situations where something with a guy felt off kilter.
It's really important for women to talk to each other about these things. The abuser wants to isolate you and dominate you. By staying connected to other support sources, people who can help point out flags, there's a higher probability of staying safe.
Wait, how is it - per se - abusive for Rosalita's guy to want a beer brought to him at a certain point in his day? Is it not conceivable that he supports her and caters to her idiosyncratic desires in corollary moments?