Trying to Identify Abuse

One reason abuse persists is because it is difficult to recognize. Struggle through the haze no further -- The Power and Control Wheel

Editor’s annotation: this week, with the early days of the publication, we continue to look at ways to identify abuse.

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Recently I was having a conversation with someone close to me who I suspect is in an abusive relationship. It has been several years since I began to wonder, and then began to believe, that she is being abused.

The earliest suggestion of this came when I was in my twenties and she in her thirties. We were hanging at her house when her husband came home from work. He passed through the living room where we sat, said a flying hello, and got in the shower. My friend (let’s call her Rosalita), and I continued to catch up.

Shortly after the water ran— bam, bam, bam— he pounded on the shower wall. Rosalita leapt from the couch, grabbed a cold beer from the fridge, and delivered it to him in the shower.

Photo by Heleno Kaizer on Unsplash

Rosalita laughed, sinking back to her seat, saying that was the sign that he wanted a cold beer. Right. We shook our heads, shrugging at this idea of “what one does for love” and/or the audacity of such brazen bossiness.

We had all known one another several years. In the moment, I interpreted observing this exchange in a positive light. It was a sign we were relaxed and nonjudgmental around each other. The dude didn’t have to put up a veneer of propriety. So what if he wanted a beer? It was hot and he worked outside. In the moment, the exchange did not appear dangerous or destructive (nor coercive or controlling).

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One of the slippery things about nailing down abuse is that it is often difficult to diagnose in the moment. Much of abuse is shrouded in subtlety and obscured by the possibility of multiple interpretations, from within and without. The target is partially blind by the fact that she is in the context. Third parties are partially blind by only seeing the tip of the iceberg in terms how the abuser behaves. (And, of course, abusers, by the nature of their ‘work’ in conducting a long-term campaign of dismantlement, develop the skills to leverage subtlety, secrecy and isolation.)

Subtlety is not helpful when you are trying to protect someone or yourself. Subtlety doesn’t give us a clear direction. When people think of “abuse",” few people think of “subtle.” When we think about “being abused” it has connotations of being an extreme, unbearable, violent experience.

If the associations/connotations of “abuse” are extreme, this will blind us to anything that isn’t extreme. The collocation ain’t there. When we see something that looks benign or passable, it is allowed. It will be permitted.

For example, I was recently at a bar with a guy and declined a drink. I experienced something I felt was benign but after more thought, saw it as a red flag.

When I said no to having a drink, his response was, “c’mon, you’re a big girl.” It felt like teasing—even flirtatious— and I laughed.

This comment is not necessarily abusive by itself. It also doesn’t send you running for the hills. (Leave comments below if you feel otherwise.)

But what if we look at it through the lens of the Power + Control Wheel?

And here is another version of the Power and Control wheel, tailored to a dynamic where the target’s citizenship status is non-native. For example, if the man were an American citizen, and the woman lived in the U.S. but did not have U.S. citizenship.

The diagram, developed in 1984 by the Domestic Violence Intervention Project, is a general checklist that can help people identify the pattern of abuse. The interior methods are the subtle, continual jabs that happen over time (and in increasing frequency over the years). The exterior methods are the knock out punches, the blowouts. The big swings, those most threatening to survival, are supported by ongoing, low-key draining of the targets’ energy, resources, independence, confidence, etc.

Using the P+C Wheel, how might we dissect this phrase, “c’mon, you’re a big girl”

Emotional abuse:

— Putting her down (It’s not a compliment, right? The phrase, because it is used in a sarcastic manner, suggests that the woman might be scared, weak, tiny, fragile— or is behaving in such a way.)

— Making her feel bad about herself (He questions the target’s judgement and discourages the woman from having boundaries of what she won’t do.)

— Calling her names (This suggestion of “not being a big girl” is like a childhood taunt, the way that children call each other insulting names during play. Perhaps by having the comment in ‘childhood language’ it makes this potential early warning sign of abuse all the more discreet.)

Using male privilege:

— Being the one to define men’s and women’s roles (By his comment, it suggests that he knows how ‘big girls’ and ‘little girls’ should behave. He will police such behavior by calling out improper actions.)

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Because abuse is a pattern of behavior, rather than single incidents, it’s also onerous to collect examples and draw a line through them. This is another factor that contributes to women getting ensnared by abuse. How many people have the habit to monitor and evaluate people’s behavior? Yet we have to be weary of that treacherous naivety.

Perhaps some readers think this dissection is reading too far into the dude’s comment. Perhaps some readers suggest such interpretations are “too sensitive.” Such push-back, from others or ourselves, is another barrier to identifying abuse. To untie something subtle, we have to analyze. The P+C Wheel can be used as a reference in that work.

Abuse is prevalent. Consider the estimates, with from 1-in-4 to 1-in-3 women experiencing abuse. There is likely a woman (or a man) in your life that is experiencing abuse. Share this resource with a couple people in your life, across the lifespan. The more resources we have in recognizing abuse, the more prepared we are to avoid it.

Take care everyone.

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