That Unwelcome Touch
When the moment to speak up passes before you even realize it’s here.
There have been some recent experiences I’ve encountered, they just appeared with no prompting and no forewarning. There was something wrong happening, in the moment, but the moment quickly came and went and it was unclear what to do and remains murky whether there is anything I can do.
I’d like to share these instances and hear from readers— what would you do?
A few years ago, I might have missed it entirely. But writing Protect the Parents, and reading other Substacks that cover women’s rights and gender equality, has sharpened my awareness of sexism and misogyny. This is both a gift and a burden: I can see what’s wrong more clearly, but I can’t unsee it. Sometimes, it’s depressing to realize how often these moments happen.
Or, as they say, ignorance is bliss.
First case in point: recently I had family visiting me. My cousin ended up getting into a bike accident and I had to call an ambulance (thankfully he is OK, but needed stitches). My cousin is in a stretcher in the ambulance, my aunt standing on my right, the ERT guy on my left. He advises that my aunt ride with her son in the ambulance, and I’ll follow behind, driving with my uncle. We all agree.
My aunt presents as quite feminine, has a delicate frame and moves with grace. She has one foot on the ledge to step up into the cavern of the ambulance, as she has ascended half way, the ERT guy says something. She pauses mid-ascension to ask what did he say?
“Watch your head, ma’am,” he says.
Which I found superfluous as: 1) she is not very tall; 2) she does not make sudden, jerky movements but moves in a smooth, languid way; 3) she was clearly being cautious already entering the vehicle and was in no danger to bump her noggin. Admittedly this is all from my perspective, which is slightly different from his. Perhaps from his vantage point, viewing my aunt in a side profile, he saw she was within the realm of possibility of clunking her cantalope?
She hears him, nods in agreement, continues to step into the ambulance.
As my aunt is entering the white box, with her son laid out on a stretcher, the ERT guy stretches out his hand and —I can’t make this up— touches my aunt’s ass with the two forefingers of his hand. Like, is that supposed to give her a turbo lift for those few remaining inches into this metal box?
Recently I experienced instances of sexism and don't want to be complicit in my own dehumanization
It was totally strange and confusing. Here is my aunt, in front of me, we are all stressed out with concern over the kid, who got a bloody face, and what is this man trying to pull? Why even touch her in this way? Just to be an ass?
He is appearing in a position of power— he has medical knowledge, he is associated with this vehicle we need to get my cousin to the hospital; we are in an emergency situation. It feels like there is nothing I can say in this moment. I feel like I do not know how to call him out, like — “Hey, there’s no need to touch her. Please don’t.”
She takes her seat on the iron banquette, at the foot of her son. He steps in. It’s not a suitable place nor time to speak up that something subtle but wrong has happened.
There was no need for him to touch her. And it seemed intentional somehow, that he would cause her to pause there, mid-lift, and actually make contact with a private region of her body.
If it had been you — there in that moment — what would you have done? Would you confront him on the spot? Wait and report it later? Let it go?
I still don’t know the right answer.
Have you ever been in a moment where something inappropriate happened, but you didn’t speak up right away? How did you handle it afterward?
Interested to hear how y'all would perceive and respond to this moment. And if you have parallel experiences. Thanks for being here.
The first part would not have bothered me at all. Sometimes it is just an automatic thing to say.
It is weird that he touched her butt. But I would let her say something. She is worried about her son snd making a scene won’t help anyone. You could write a complaint to the ambulance corp.