When a Child Discloses Abuse
How to Respond + Considerations Around Recording
This week’s post examines a moment many protective parents will recognize: the first time their child says something that doesn’t sound right—and may in fact be a disclosure of abuse. Please note — trigger warning: this post includes a description of a child describing alleged abuse.
As Boy learned to speak, he began to say things that concerned Ruth. One day, after a bath, Boy was running through the living room with a towel wrapped around him. A home security camera—installed in the kitchen after the separation —captured the exchange.
Ruth catches him on the fly and pats him dry with an oversized towel, teasing him gently about his skinny legs. Boy asks for a snack or drink. She responds warmly: “You gotta be polite to your mama, say thank you, I do a lot for you.”
Then, as she steps away to return the town, just passing through the baby gate, he says: “Dada, he can just touch it.”
She pauses. “He can touch what?”
Boy squirms on the couch. “He… he can just… Dada can touch my penis. Touch it.”
Even in the grainy rendering from a miniature security camera the lens has captured a subtle but visible tightening of Ruth’s lithe frame. Ruth keeps her voice airy and steady. She steps back toward him, trying not to let fear or shock bleed into her tone.
“Oh? Show me,” she says, as if they are still discussing snack time. He fumbles with the billowing pink blanket on the couch. He names the act again. “Just for a ‘widdle’ while.” She asks, “Are your clothes on? Or off?” He answers, “In my closet.”
On this date, Boy is just shy of three years old.
At this age, many children can speak in short sentences. Their vocabulary hovers around 200 words. They are learning language by mimicking and modeling—repeating back the words, actions, and structures they hear.
At this age, it can be difficult to distinguish what is original and what is borrowed. And yet, Boy’s statements are specific, unprompted, and— as Ruth knew in her bones— and as any adult observing this recording would sense— deeply alarming.
Ruth did what many parents in this position do: she saved the recording.
And like many protective parents, she found that presenting this video to the family court would not necessarily offer protection for her child.
The Prevalence of Child Abuse + the Child’s Response
Each year in the United States, more than half a million children are confirmed victims of abuse or neglect. In 2022, that number was over 558,000 (National Children’s Alliance). Many more likely go uncounted. The vast majority (76%) of children who are abused are harmed by someone they know—usually someone they live with.
1. Child’s Age and Expressive Ability:
Children's developmental stages significantly impact their ability to disclose abuse. Younger children may lack the language skills or cognitive maturity to articulate their experiences effectively. Research indicates that older children are more likely to disclose abuse, as they possess better verbal abilities and understanding of the situation.
2. Severity and Nature of the Abuse:
The severity and type of abuse can influence disclosure. Some studies suggest that more severe abuse may lead to delayed disclosure due to increased feelings of shame, fear, or trauma. Conversely, less severe incidents might be disclosed more readily.
3. Relationship with the Non-Abusive Parent:
A supportive and trusting relationship with the non-abusive parent can facilitate disclosure. Children are more likely to confide in caregivers who are perceived as protective and empathetic.
4. Fear of Consequences for “Telling”:
Children may fear repercussions from the abuser or worry about not being believed, leading to reluctance in disclosing abuse. Concerns about family disruption or punishment can also be deterrents. Abusers also frequently groom complicity into their target, coaching them on staying silent.
5. Previous Experiences of Being Believed or Not:
Past experiences play a role; if a child has previously disclosed abuse and was not believed or supported, they may be less inclined to disclose future incidents. Trust in the response of adults is crucial for disclosure.
When a child does disclose, it can be subtle. A child will unlikely come out and say, “I’ve been abused.” Even an adult would struggle to express this, even if they did understand that this is what had happened to them.
The child’s tone might not match the content, which might initially throw off or confuse the adult listener. The child might appear distracted, or their details inconsistent, or variable. That’s normal. A child may talk about harm in the same voice they use to ask for a snack— not because it isn’t serious, but because they are still learning how to attach language to their inner world.
Sources, in truncation: CDC; Child Care in Practice; Why Children Tell; Children’s Age and Disclosures; Factors Surrounding Disclosure; Factors Associated with Disclosure
What Can a Parent Do?
If your child says something that concerns you, your first instinct might be to record them. This is understandable. We’re taught to preserve evidence. And when the alleged harm is coming from the other parent— the person the courts have also granted custody— your impulse is to protect your child however you can.
But what’s often overlooked is that recordings of disclosures, particularly in family court, are a legal and emotional minefield.
First, let’s talk about best practices in responding to your child in the moment:
Stay calm. Your child is watching your face. If they see panic or rage, they may shut down. Them telling you about this thing that happened to them might be the bravest thing they’ve done yet in their short lives. Try to be present with them in this moment.
Affirm their safety. Thank them for sharing this with you. Praise their honesty and bravery. Let them know they did the right thing by telling you. You might ask if they want a hug, a cuddle, a blanket, their toy— whatever is soothing, calming and may give them a sense of agency, or even empowerment.
Use open-ended questions. Your mind will probably be racing with questions. Take three deep breaths. Think a moment of how to phrase your question so that you might ultimately learn as much as possible about an event where you were not present. For example, instead of “Did Daddy touch you?” you might ask, “Could you tell me more about that?” and to present a path for the child to recount what they are comfortable, “And then what happened?”
Document what you can, in this difficult situation, trying not to switch into interrogation mode, which may be very difficult— your heart is racing and you, in hearing this from your child, have experienced your own trauma. As soon as you are able, write down exactly what your child said, and what led up to it. Avoid adding interpretations; you can try to do this by first sticking to what you observed and heard, and then writing down questions, or your estimations of what may have transpired. There will likely be circumstantial details that come to you in that moment, or in the days that follow, where you draw connections between details noticed and what your child has told you.
Should You Record?
This can get a bit complicated.
In a world governed by common sense and child safety, a clear recording of a child disclosing sexual abuse would be welcomed as crucial evidence.
But in the family court system, particularly in high-conflict custody battles, such recordings are often used against the protective parent.
The family court judge, or the opposing counsel, may question:
Was the child coached?
Was the parent leading the child with questions?
Was the recording staged or manipulated?
Some judges will not admit the recording at all, calling it hearsay or prejudicial. Others may admit it, but discount its value, arguing that the child is too young to understand or that children “say strange things.”
The protective / safe parent may be accused of manufacturing the recording as a tactic to gain custody. Worse still, the disclosure may be used to suggest that the child is being “alienated” from the accused parent— weaponizing the controversial and widely discredited concept of Parental Alienation Syndrome. As Professor Joan Meier has pointed out, when a father accused of abusing his child counters with PAS, it is “a virtual trump card” against abuse allegations.
Will a Recording Be Accepted?
This can get a bit complicated, again.
1. Variability Across Jurisdictions:
Different states have distinct laws regarding the admissibility of audio and video recordings in court. For instance, California is a two-party consent state, meaning all parties involved in a confidential communication must consent to being recorded. Recordings made without such consent are generally inadmissible in court and may even lead to criminal penalties. However, exceptions exist, especially in cases involving evidence of serious crimes or threats to a child's welfare.
Sources, truncated (not sponsor links): Audio Recordings Admissibility; Recordings Admissibility in Family Court
2. Judicial Discretion and Intent:
Judges often exercise discretion when determining the admissibility of recordings, considering factors such as the intent behind the recording and its relevance to the case. In some cases, recordings made with the intent to protect a child have been admitted, even if obtained without the other party's consent.
For example, in these two cases from Australia:
“In the 2019 case of Coulter & Coulter (No.2) 2019 [FCCA 1290] a party sought to introduce audio and video recordings as evidence into the proceedings, where the other party had been recorded interacting with the children at contact changeover, unaware that they were being recorded. The court ultimately found that the mother had a legitimate concern for her safety and admitted the recordings on this basis. However, private recordings of the father’s conversations with the children were excluded from evidence on the basis that they were a breach of privacy.”
“In Huffman v Gorman (No.2) [2014] FamCA 1077 the Court allowed into evidence the father’s recordings of the mother, taken without her knowledge or consent, as evidence of family violence. In the judgement, the Court noted the “notorious difficulty to obtain evidence of family violence, which often takes place behind the closed doors” and allowed the evidence on the basis that the best interests of the children are paramount and outweighed the undesirability of admitting evidence which was unlawfully obtained.”
3. Best Interests of the Child:
Family courts are supposed to prioritize “the best interests of the child,” which they may cite as influencing decisions on admitting evidence. If a recording provides critical information about a child's safety or well-being, courts may be more inclined to consider it, even if it was obtained without full consent. However, the manner in which the recording was obtained and its authenticity remain crucial factors.
4. Legal and Ethical Considerations:
While recordings can be powerful evidence, they also raise legal and ethical concerns, especially regarding privacy rights— even in cases where the recording was made in efforts to protect a child. Courts may exclude recordings if they were obtained unlawfully or if admitting them would violate privacy protections— again, even if the intent is to protect a child. It's essential for individuals to consult legal counsel before attempting to use such recordings in court proceedings.
Conclusion:
The admissibility of home video or audio recordings in family court is complex and varies by jurisdiction. Factors such as state laws, the intent behind the recording, and “the best interests of the child” play significant roles in judicial decisions. Given these complexities, it's advisable to seek legal guidance when considering the use of such evidence in court.
So What Should a Protective Parent Do?
There is no one right answer. But here are some guidelines that may be helpful:
Consult a lawyer before submitting a recording. They can advise on your jurisdiction’s rules of admissibility and strategy. Or even how your particular judge may respond to recordings.
Prioritize your child’s emotional safety. If you believe recording might retraumatize or shame your child, consider documenting the disclosure in writing instead. Then, like Ruth did, go ahead and get some discreet home security cameras that run 24/7.
Use the video as a tool for mandated reporters. Child advocacy centers or child protection services may be better equipped to receive and assess this kind of evidence. You can also chat for free, even anonymously, with someone at The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline. See post here.
Keep detailed notes and observe patterns. The strength of your case may lie not in one disclosure, but in a pattern of disclosures, injuries, or behavioral signs.
One Last Thing
If your child has disclosed to you, as heartbreaking as that is— it also means something hopeful: they trust you.
They believe you will try to help them. In a world that has already let them down in terrible ways, this trust is sacred.
Disclosures are not always clear. But they are always brave.
And if you’re navigating the question of what to do next— especially in a system that too often fails protective parents— I hope this space can be one where we find clarity, courage, and strategy together.
Have you been in this position? Do you have questions about how to navigate this? Feel free to reply or comment.
When your child disclosed abuse to you, what did you do? Any tips for other protective parents?