The Micro-Incursion
How abusers test the door handle — and what to do when they do.
Hello fellow survivor-thrivers,
Recently I received an email from a former abuser which read, no joke:
“I hope you are doing well. You been crossing my mind A LOT!! but you told me not to contact you [any] more. So I hope that is ok that I did? I just hope that you are great and full of love! If you want to hit me back, obviously you can. If not I understand...well I don’t understand, but I will have [to].”
It’s so bizarre, it’s laughable. It’s so laughable, it’s bizarre. And yet, here we are.
Through examining this particular data point (this communication), I hope I could come to terms with my own shame and bewilderment. I also hope that by looking at the tiny minutia of incursions, this can help readers better identify the itsy bitsy bellwethers in their own life; to see the micro aggressions, so one might avoid the macro aggressions. The micro incursions train you to accept the macro ones, so we need some vigilance to catch the early, subtler signs.
A bellwether is an indicator that acts as a forerunner, often signaling future trends.
This particular abuser I’d kept in contact with, on and off, over about 20 years. Which sounds both ridiculous and reasonable. Abusers are the latcher-ons, the barnacles, the hanger-ons. They try to stick around as much as possible; to ingratiate themselves into your heart and mind, your life and routines.
One of the earliest signs of his selfish nature was that, on the day I told him I’d finally gotten a job where I could use my degree, a job that would take me out of state (and away from him), he refused to give me a ride home from his house. He became cold, dismissive, and withheld warmth and affection that he’d typically been so generous with. It felt like punishment. I walked home, stunned at this treatment.
Speaking of work, I suspect that his chronic (chosen) unemployment was another indicator. He did not apply for jobs, he didn’t want to work. When he did work, he’d encounter disciplinary issues, not show up on time, drag his feet. This aligns, I suspect, with the selfish, egotistical person’s (the narcissist’s) fundamental belief that they are above and beyond the expectations that everyone else must adhere to.
This behavior, a refusal to work, tracked with a worldview I’ve come to recognize: I’m above the rules that bind everyone else. Expectations are for other people. I’m special.
Many years later, I flew him out to visit me. We’d gotten entangled again. I was spending time with other friends, and he seemed not to like this; as if he wanted me exclusively for himself, which could be endearing but also claustrophobia-inducing. That kind of possessiveness can be mistaken for devotion, especially if you’re starved for tenderness; if you have become attached to this particular person’s affection.
I returned home from hanging out with other friends and, feeling a bit guilty that he seemed wounded, I gave him an enveloping hug, said “sorry.” He said, “you smell like Black people” and walked away. I was stunned. The friends I’d been with happened to be Black, for background.
I did not, and still do not, fully understand what he might have meant by this. The context, with his tone— it seemed spiteful. Even now, I feel uneasy with how quickly, and with what ease, someone could be so fun-loving, goofy, and affectionate and then with lightning quickness deliver a barbed comment, and reveal a hidden hateful streak I found repulsive.
A sudden closing of a door; a sudden darkening of the sky. So fast, like slipping on ice.
What stood out to me about this email communication was this—
“you told me not to contact you [any] more. So I hope that is ok that I did?”
Put another way— “I know you told me not to do this, but here I am, not listening to you and not respecting your boundaries.” I suppose this must be intentional on his part, perhaps he is trying to invoke frustration, annoyance, a response, a retort. To provoke engagement.
It’s a boundary poke disguised as sweetness. It’s an attempt to provoke any kind of engagement: curiosity, anger — anything. Because any response re-opens the circuit.
If I had responded, and stated again, “don’t contact me, stay away from me,” this opens the door and gives him attention. I recall reading another DV-focused writer say that we need to “starve the cycle.”
Don’t engage with them, don’t reply. Try to “grey rock” them— another bit of advice from a fellow survivor. The expression means that you should try to be as boring as a grey rock to the abuser.
This same survivor (Ruth, actually, who I’ve written about often; a pseudonym), said that when you are a rich source of narcissistic feed, the abuser will likely keep trying to return to your life to “hoover” (like the vacuum). They want to suck up the narcissistic supply, to feed on a range of emotions from you— your happiness, your sadness, your rage, your hurt.
Another element, in this very short message, that I think is of note is the closing —
“If not I understand...well I don’t understand, but I will have [to].”
Again, I believe this is an attempt to ensnare me back into communication— he feigns ignorance of not knowing why I wouldn’t want to be in touch with him. It’s an invitation for me to explain myself to him, to educate him, to tell him my side of the story.
Well, I’m not falling for it. I’ve blocked him everywhere.
Have you received similar messages from one of your barnacles? How did you respond?
Stay strong and take care.