The Abusive Ex as Co-Parent

What Protective Mothers Can Do

This post is inspired by one of our readers, who dropped me a note with this sentiment:

When splitting from my controlling ex, it would have been helpful to have been reminded that a leopard won’t change its spots. If someone was selfish, hostile, entitled and uninterested in the kids beforehand, they won’t suddenly become an invested father.

I truly hoped that seeing our kids just twice a month might make him cherish the opportunity and maybe— in hopes of hopes— make him a better dad than he was a partner.

Although I’d had my own experience with him as neglectful and belittling, I thought perhaps he might have a better relationship with his children. I couldn’t believe he just didn’t make the effort for them. He used and weaponized and damaged them with the same behavior he hurt us with all along. What’s wrong with someone to not love their own children?

I wish I had been forewarned and forearmed.

So, moms, in case you are splitting from a controller / abuser, and want some ideas of what to expect— or you’re dealing with this now, and could use some support— here we go.

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1. Continuation of Abuse Patterns

• The father may yell, threaten, manipulate, or punish the child in ways similar to how he treated the mother. Even if physical violence doesn’t occur, emotional abuse is common.

• What a mother can do:

  • Document everything: Keep a detailed log of your child’s behavior, statements, and health before and after visits.

  • [I know different moms use different methods to document, if you’d like to share a method that has worked well for you, please let me know]

  • Seek a trauma-informed therapist for your child who can screen for signs of abuse and provide professional records that could be used in court.

  • [I recall when I used BetterHelp, an online therapy service, that there was an option to select the background/ expertise you wanted your therapist to have; you could seek someone with trauma experience. Let me know if you’d like me to look into this more]

  • Use parallel parenting strategies if co-parenting is unsafe, or just too taxing on your mental health/ overall well being— limit direct communication and focus on logistics only.

  • [You can also be diligent in your self-care and boundary awareness in these micro-interactions; to even have to text an ex can be taxing. Try only reading his messages at certain times of day, if you can. Or only read them outside your home, even if you’re just standing on the porch or the sidewalk, sitting in a relaxing chair. Don’t read them while you’re in your safe space or private space, like the bedroom. You could also have Siri read the messages aloud if that’s easier than reading them out loud. Put the voice option to the one that you find funniest or softest, to take away some of his power].

    

2. Use of Children as Tools of Abuse

• The father may pump the child for information, use them to guilt-trip or spy on the mother, or try to alienate the child from her.

• What a mother can do:

  • Coach your child in healthy boundaries: Say something like, “You don’t have to answer questions about our house or what we do. That’s private.”

  • Use age-appropriate language to affirm the child’s right to privacy, autonomy, and emotional safety. You can try reading through an illustrated kid’s book like “I Choose to Say No”

  • Model critical thinking: If a child repeats something manipulative, gently ask questions that prompt them to reflect (“Why do you think someone might say that?”).

3. Negative Impact on Child Development

• Due to the ongoing neglect and abuse of a parent, the child may struggle with anger, fear, shame, or poor academic and social functioning.

• What a mother can do:

  • Create a stable, predictable home environment that acts as a “safe base.”

  • Teach emotional regulation: use books, stories, or games to help children name and process feelings.

  • Collaborate with teachers or school counselors to monitor academic or social red flags.

4. Increased Risk of Intergenerational Violence

• The child internalizes harmful models of power, gender, and control and may repeat them in future relationships.

• What a mother can do:

  • Name the behavior: If possible, talk with your child about what is healthy vs. unhealthy in relationships.

  • Use media literacy: Watch a TV show together and discuss how characters treat each other — this can open space for reflection without talking directly about the father.

  • Connect them with positive role models: Coaches, mentors, or family friends who model healthy masculinity or respectful relationships.

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Are you using any of these techniques already? If so, are they helpful? What are some response methods that you’ve used that aren’t included here?