Help... I'm Being Gaslit
Signs of gaslighting
The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1938 mystery thriller “Gas Light” by Patrick Hamilton. In the play, Gregory, the husband, manipulates his wife Paula into believing she is losing her mind. He continually dims the gas lights in their home and continually denies it. Gregory engages in other crazy-making tactics, such as rapping on the walls and moving / removing objects.
In one scene, he slips his watch into her purse when she’s not looking, accuses her of stealing it, and then “discovers” the watch in her purse while they are in the company of friends. Unbeknownst to Paula Gregory has warned these friends that she’s become unstable. The schemer now has witnesses that, if called upon in the future, might attest to Paula’s slipping grip on reality. Building an invisible arsenal.
Gregory is so persistent in denying Paula’s reality (the abused is not entitled to their own reality, nor to reality) that he ultimately succeeds in having her committed to a mental institution. Gregory then appropriates her wealth.
Gradual, stealthy persistence is one of the cornerstones of abuse. See this article “Abusive Exes as Opportunistic Offenders” for an argument on how abuse is akin to attrition warfare. The abuser seeks the steady erasure of the target’s defenses, resources and morale.
Women have oft been called to deny their feelings. A woman in a state of strong emotions can be labeled a hysteric and her sanity scrutinized.
That opens the doors of possibility of being committed.
The purpose of gaslighting is to make the target doubt their own thoughts and instincts, thereby drawing them further under the influence of the perpetrator, who will provide their preferred reality. Gas lighting wears down the target’s self-esteem and self-confidence, making them more dependent on the abuser.
Possible tactics include:
Withholding: abuser refuses to listen to the target, including their rendition of an event and/or her feelings about it
Lying: abuser misrepresents a memory shared with the target, or even a memory where they were not present
Countering: the abuser questions the targets’ rendition of events, and/or their ability to recall events accurately
Denial: the abuser denies that an event took place; they deny that they said X or did Y
Diverting: gaslighter tries to change the topic
Trivializing: the abuser downplays the target’s feelings, accusing her of overreacting and/or being too sensitive
As with all forms of abuse, the budding pattern treats lightly at first. The abuser in your life (in my life, in our lives) starts with challenging / changing small details in your memory. Over time, the abuser breaks down the woman’s ability to trust herself, and installs himself as the final arbiter of her experiences and recollections thereof.
(Men can be the targets of gaslighting. Predominantly, though, women are the dominant demographic of abuse victims/ survivors/ experiencers. Hope my male readers can indulge me this diction.)
Why do abusers use gaslighting?
(sourced from Healthline article + VeryWell Mind)
Dr. Robin Stern, co-founder and associate director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, helped popularize the term “gaslighting” with her 2007 book, “The Gaslight Effect.”
According to Stern, people gaslight others because the feeling of being right allows them to validate themselves. When an abuser feels their identity or power threatened, they need the target to believe and support their version of events in order to maintain their sense of control. [Check out the “Power and Control” post here]
Gaslighting can also happen the abuser believes their narrative is more valid than the targets, but they don’t have strong arguments. They still need to feel superior, so putting down the target’s opinions can give them a sense of superiority.
When abusers use gaslighting techniques the goal is to gain power and control over the by manipulating their thoughts and feelings. Abusers often have personality disorders such as antisocial personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder.
I recently experienced gaslighting from none other than…. you guessed it…. the former abuser. (“Former” not that he has rehabilitated himself and can now treat women as equals, but “former” in that I largely do not have contact with him).
I’ll not write on this today, the specifics of the unfolding of my escape, although I can write about it in the future. But for context I’ll just share that my split from him (I don’t care to say “our” because we can’t really share anything with an abuser, can we?) was abrupt.
I told him “no” about something that was important to him. A bridge he couldn’t drag me across, with all his cajoling, guilt-tripping, etc. We were on a “family” vacation at the time (again, abusers don’t deserve the categorization). Me and him (me first, Me capital), were at the house of my family member for a week or so.
With my telling him “no,” he was enraged. He demanded my debit card so he could book himself a flight back to our shared apartment. He called me names, in the large, quiet kitchen, some epithets bouncing hard off the marble countertops. Maybe “cheap” and “stupid”? Can’t quite recall.
The rest of the day and evening was tense. My spine ramrod straight and my ears rotating on alert. I slept upstairs in the small guest room, him downstairs. At 5:00 AM he opened the door and turned on the overhead light, getting me up as he angrily tapped his phone, trying to get the Uber to come faster.
I tried to help. Eventually the car came. I saw him off, watching his back as he marched towards the car, yanking his suitcase along. He didn’t turn around. I closed the door, turned the lock.
Like any target, I experienced both good and bad. The good came in heaps in the beginning, so saccharine sweet you could get a stomach ache, or an ulcer, or a cavity. And you do. What comes on the heels of the sweet is the biting bitter, and you catch aches, ulcers and cavities.
With the split abrupt, and then my filing for an order of protection (one of the reasons I write anonymously, btw), my goal was to get away and get space. Although I do not want any sort of tie to this person, I’ve not pursued divorce because that would entail some interactions with him. This was not my plan, this is just what happened. Of course I’ve regretted the marriage, that decision, and have wanted to undo it in all ways possible. But then I also didn’t have the stomach, the time, the energy to pursue it officially.
I moved, I blocked his number, I try to hide myself from him. With years passing, he seemed to pursue me less. Then I received this email recently:
Dear XXX,
I sincerely hope that this new year brings you happiness and everything goes smoothly for you. More than anything, I hope you are always happy.
You know, I have always had feelings for you. Even though you did something so heartbreaking, I do not hate you. My heart is still filled with the beautiful memories of the life we shared. It may not have had a happy ending, but from the bottom of my heart, I still wish you well.
We shared years of our lives together, and now, several years have passed since we separated. I believe you want a divorce, and I do too. I don’t want this matter to continue burdening us both. So, can we finally bring this chapter to a peaceful, fair, and respectful close, wishing each other well as we move forward?
You know me—I have always protected and supported you. Life is short, and I do not want to spend it harboring resentment. I would rather approach the world, and the people I have loved, with kindness. I remember every word you said and every smile you gave me. And I still believe that deep down, you are a kind person—that is enough for me.
If you are willing, shall we begin the divorce process? That way, we can both start a new chapter in our lives without living under this shadow any longer. I believe this is the best outcome for both of us, and I am sure it is what you want as well. Please take some time to consider my suggestion.
Lastly, I want you to know that I will always be open to you. If you ever have anything you’d like to say to me, you are welcome to email me—or even better, call me. I would be happy to hear from you. After all these years, I believe we can face each other with peace in our hearts. I hold no hatred—only love.
If I ever get the chance to see you again or hear your voice, it would only bring me happiness. No matter what happens, I am not your enemy. I will always the one in this world who wishes you the best.
Take care!
xxx
If you received this letter from the former abuser, what would you think? Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I don't like how he frames himself as being kind, and then "hopes that you are kind too". Like, excuse me? He seems to be using a lot of colorful language to erase the fact that he was abusive to you. Don't fall for it. Stand firm. Go through the divorce as quickly as possible, and cut it off immediately. (I sound bossy but I really just want you to have peace of mind)
Seems highly likely he has a hidden agenda. I've seen those types of communications and I wonder who they think they are fooling? There is definitely another audience and he will share his message and your response (or lack of a response) with that audience to prove whatever lie he's spouting. The audience might be his new partner, the courts, your friends and family (further isolation). He will say "look how wonderful and thoughtful I am; how loving and gracious - and see how evil she is? She won't even bother to respond, or she is cold and callous in her response, or [another way of disparaging you]" Maybe I'm off-base and my experience has colored my view. Please share how you handled this and any other advice for those facing similar situations. Love and light to all who share the struggle.