You Go Anyway: A Practical and Emotional Guide to Custody Hearings

The system was not built for you— here are ways to prepare for the process

Some mornings, it begins before you open your eyes. The dread compressing your ribs, the sandy heat in your throat. The courthouse is a place of uncomfortable examination, wrought necks and wringing hands. It can be the unfortunate stage where the parent who protects the child is cast as the problem, as ill, as unscrupulous.

Still— you go. Sometimes we don’t have all the options we’d wish for.

If you’re preparing for a custody hearing, this post is for you. I’ve also prepared a printable checklist as a link below. If that’s helpful to you, drop me a line, and I’ll include more printable items in future posts.

You may feel like you’re prepping in the fog of war: with a nascent understanding of how this whole thing works, nothing direct or smooth, an overworked lawyer (or representing yourself, also gut-churning), and a “co-parent” who has weaponized access to your child. Someone who’s turned parenting into a performance. What follows is not legal advice, but I hope it can provide some clarity and give you a bit of confidence. Remember that you are not alone in this.

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What to Bring: Your Custody Court Folder

There’s the truth of your life, and then there’s what one can prove in a courtroom, and then there’s what gets believed. They can all be totally different storylines, which can be maddening.

But remember that the truth is sacred and immutable as a mountain. Even if the truth is not heard, recognized or valued in your court hearing, still hold your truth precious. With the issues in the family court system, it sometimes can take years for the truth to find its day. But truth is patient and enduring like that. It never goes away, never changes. It is the mountain that observes millennia.

In preparation for the custody hearing, you can compile a collection of documents that should reflect not only your love and labor, but also your attention to detail and ability to prepare.

Core documents to pack:

• Copies of recent court filings, motions, and the current custody order

• A written parenting plan (include proposed schedule, holidays, rules)

• School records, therapy notes, relevant medical records

• A timeline of events or parenting journal

• Call logs, printed texts or emails with your co-parent

This website “Custody Xchange” may be helpful. (Not a sponsored link). It looks like they are promoting their app, but they also have free explainers, indexes and templates that might be useful. For example, they have this page which lists custody guidelines for each state. (If you use this app and would recommend it, let me know and I may write a post about it).

Optional but helpful:

• Letters from teachers, counselors, pediatricians

• A list of witnesses / character references with contact info

• A copy of your submitted evidence packet (if you filed one)

Bring at least two copies of everything. Print them all out. Keep the documents neat in folders. I’d recommend a plastic accordion folder with multiple slots and an elastic clasp; it’s water resistant, papers won’t fall out, and having the different slots can help with staying organized. You’re not just presenting facts—you’re demonstrating that you are steady, meticulous, and deeply involved in your child’s care. And hey, if the judge doesn’t take in the full sweep of your efforts, that same folio can be utilized by a journalist some day. Just saying. So keep it.

And bring practical things too:

• Water bottle and discreet snack (nothing too loud or hard to throw away, something like a granola bar)

• Phone charger and/or battery bank

• Ear buds to put in one ear, so you can still remain aware

• Notebook and pen / pencils; even colored pencils if that calms you or provides an on-hand coping mechanism for the day

• A grounding object (a rosary, a talisman, essential oil roller, a fidget spinner, whatever gets you back to yourself)

• A printed verse to redirect your mind and give you strength and confidence.

  • "The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?” — Psalm 27

  • "Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will." — Mahatma Gandhi

  • "It is not the strength of the body that counts, but the strength of the spirit." -- J.R.R. Tolkien.