Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am so glad that your family could come through for you. The healing process can take a long time (for some, even a lifetime), and I imagine having that family support helped to expedite / facilitate the healing process. Although this is not necessarily something we need to always weigh with time.
This is hard. The reckoning of the abuse was hard. I had to Google whether it was abuse or not too. It was insidious, it was like a thing you couldn't really pin down. I'm sorry your family was unsupportive. Thank goodness my family came through for me and for that I am forever grateful to them.
And I feel you've really hit the nail on the head by calling it "insidious." It is so difficult to pin down. It reminds me of an image:
I'm simplifying a lot here. David Foster Wallace told a story, likely in an eloquent fashion that I'm not capturing here-- an old fish asks a group of young fish, "hey, how's the water?" The young fish look at the old fish in bewilderment. "What the hell is water?"
As the target, you are the fish who cannot see the water. The water is your environment, your breath, your daily consciousness. This must also be why those of us (also me) who grew up in homes with violence are all the more prone to ending up in controlling / abusive dynamics. We've been in the water a long time. We don't know dry land.
Thank you for reading. If it's helped you somehow, please forward this free publication to others.
I totally get the fish analogy. I was so deep in the 'water' i didn't even realize I was trauma bonded to him. The trauma bonding being "what will he do without me? He won't survive!"
But as women we were never really taught "what about me? I'm dying over here!"
One time I tried to explain to "Luke" that I could be his 'ambassador' to others. Because I'd seen him flip his lid, and wanted to smooth the interactions between a volatile man and those who might cross his path, a route laced with mines, unbeknownst to others and myself, and perhaps even him? I do think that abusers *do know* how to manage and manipulate their anger to the greatest effect. But when he'd be such a loose canon, is he really in control any longer? What's your two cents?
Dear Wendy,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am so glad that your family could come through for you. The healing process can take a long time (for some, even a lifetime), and I imagine having that family support helped to expedite / facilitate the healing process. Although this is not necessarily something we need to always weigh with time.
This is hard. The reckoning of the abuse was hard. I had to Google whether it was abuse or not too. It was insidious, it was like a thing you couldn't really pin down. I'm sorry your family was unsupportive. Thank goodness my family came through for me and for that I am forever grateful to them.
And I feel you've really hit the nail on the head by calling it "insidious." It is so difficult to pin down. It reminds me of an image:
I'm simplifying a lot here. David Foster Wallace told a story, likely in an eloquent fashion that I'm not capturing here-- an old fish asks a group of young fish, "hey, how's the water?" The young fish look at the old fish in bewilderment. "What the hell is water?"
As the target, you are the fish who cannot see the water. The water is your environment, your breath, your daily consciousness. This must also be why those of us (also me) who grew up in homes with violence are all the more prone to ending up in controlling / abusive dynamics. We've been in the water a long time. We don't know dry land.
Thank you for reading. If it's helped you somehow, please forward this free publication to others.
I totally get the fish analogy. I was so deep in the 'water' i didn't even realize I was trauma bonded to him. The trauma bonding being "what will he do without me? He won't survive!"
But as women we were never really taught "what about me? I'm dying over here!"
So that was kinda one of my aha moments.
One time I tried to explain to "Luke" that I could be his 'ambassador' to others. Because I'd seen him flip his lid, and wanted to smooth the interactions between a volatile man and those who might cross his path, a route laced with mines, unbeknownst to others and myself, and perhaps even him? I do think that abusers *do know* how to manage and manipulate their anger to the greatest effect. But when he'd be such a loose canon, is he really in control any longer? What's your two cents?
Such a powerful story and such beautiful writing. Thank you for sharing your raw courage.
thank you so much for your feedback. I'm trying to put out different kinds of writing and see what resonates with readers most