This is all so beautifully put. I completely hear your pain and frustration about not being able to forgive yourself. I give myself the same hard time re not doing better for my children and although I know the blame lies elsewhere, the damage goes on. I have learned this year to be gentle with myself and this is helping. Please be gentle with yourself. It’s not your fault. Xx
The blame does lies elsewhere, but the damage goes on, as you aptly point out. With the fallout continuing to confront us, it is hard to accept. What are some ways you are gentle with yourself?
Thank you so much for this idea "it's not your fault"-- it's a starting point xx
Am so pleased to help with such a starting point. It is something I find myself saying to others still living in abusive situations and I now try to apply it to myself when I remember! We are so compassionate and understanding with others and we would always give them to time to breathe rand gather themselves. The being gentle with myself begins with taking my time more - especially at this time of year when there are pressures all around. When feeling overwhelmed, I slow right down, defer unimportant arrangements until the new year and say no thank you to some invitations to spend the time quietly instead. Sometimes I sit and watch tv with a herbal tea (and perhaps some chocolate!) just to be gentle before my sons come home. Small things which can help recalibrate. ❤️
Can I ask one thing, which I have always wondered. Regarding this quote: Lundy Bancroft said that “the woman doesn’t leave because she doesn’t know she is being abused.”
Is there any evidence that abusers might not know they are abusers? I mean, do narcissistic sociopaths know that their behaviour isn’t ok? Or, is it similar in the sense of maybe something like this “the man doesn’t change his behaviour because he doesn’t believe he is wrong to do it.”
Brilliantly put. Yes yes yes and yes. This is an article that should be handed to victims by the police or medics to give out at the first opportunity. Ok, we wouldn’t have been ready to hear it, but it’s a start. If you don’t know about “the trauma bond” then you can’t move on because you’re stuck in it. I hadn’t known it was a thing until reading this article today. I’ve been out of the relationship since 2023, so the world says. I am not out. I am still in it. Post separation abuse is some kind of a relationship. This is the relationship that in 2026 I am determined to fight my way out of. Thank you for your article. I will share.
This is all so beautifully put. I completely hear your pain and frustration about not being able to forgive yourself. I give myself the same hard time re not doing better for my children and although I know the blame lies elsewhere, the damage goes on. I have learned this year to be gentle with myself and this is helping. Please be gentle with yourself. It’s not your fault. Xx
The blame does lies elsewhere, but the damage goes on, as you aptly point out. With the fallout continuing to confront us, it is hard to accept. What are some ways you are gentle with yourself?
Thank you so much for this idea "it's not your fault"-- it's a starting point xx
Am so pleased to help with such a starting point. It is something I find myself saying to others still living in abusive situations and I now try to apply it to myself when I remember! We are so compassionate and understanding with others and we would always give them to time to breathe rand gather themselves. The being gentle with myself begins with taking my time more - especially at this time of year when there are pressures all around. When feeling overwhelmed, I slow right down, defer unimportant arrangements until the new year and say no thank you to some invitations to spend the time quietly instead. Sometimes I sit and watch tv with a herbal tea (and perhaps some chocolate!) just to be gentle before my sons come home. Small things which can help recalibrate. ❤️
Can I ask one thing, which I have always wondered. Regarding this quote: Lundy Bancroft said that “the woman doesn’t leave because she doesn’t know she is being abused.”
Is there any evidence that abusers might not know they are abusers? I mean, do narcissistic sociopaths know that their behaviour isn’t ok? Or, is it similar in the sense of maybe something like this “the man doesn’t change his behaviour because he doesn’t believe he is wrong to do it.”
Does that make sense?
Brilliantly put. Yes yes yes and yes. This is an article that should be handed to victims by the police or medics to give out at the first opportunity. Ok, we wouldn’t have been ready to hear it, but it’s a start. If you don’t know about “the trauma bond” then you can’t move on because you’re stuck in it. I hadn’t known it was a thing until reading this article today. I’ve been out of the relationship since 2023, so the world says. I am not out. I am still in it. Post separation abuse is some kind of a relationship. This is the relationship that in 2026 I am determined to fight my way out of. Thank you for your article. I will share.